RESULTS DAY & SHADES OF GREY

Christmas passed and was eventful as ever, a few family arguments here and a little drunken behaviour there. I actually managed to get drunk for the first time in about 9 months. I’m definitely feeling better…..

And then the day of my scan came. There’s not much to say about it really. I knew the drill; I knew what to expect. And secretly I was feeling confident, very confident in fact, that all would be okay. Most of the initial anxiety I’d had about my scan results had disappeared into the ether. I was pretty sure that all was well in my body and that I’d definitely kicked cancer’s ass. I kept these thoughts to myself though. I didn’t want to jinx it by screaming at the tops of my lungs that I felt fucking MINT! But surely the cancer had gone right? I had done everything in my power to kick this God awful disease. I had given up my life as a young, fun loving woman living the dream in London in order to combat this darn thing. I’d sacrificed a lot. I’d given up my career, which I’d spent years working on, my friends, my beautiful, newly decorated flat, I’d given up London, my freedom, my independence, I’d given up smoking, drinking alcohol, partying, I’d given up anything causing me stress, I’d given up visiting people, travelling, my hair, my eyelashes, my eyebrows, I’d given up my healthy, fit body, days of my time to hospital visits, chemo club and my bed, I’d given up a sense of who I was, I’d given away a chunk of my mind to anxiety and worry. Fuck, I’d even given up a part of my soul to this disease. I used everything in my power to get better. I exercised as much as I could, I did yoga almost daily, I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate to rebuild strength, I started writing to make sense of what was happening, on occasions I even prayed to some higher being (I’m an atheist FYI), I trusted my nurses and doctors 100% that I would get better. Every-fucking-thing I could do or not do, I did, in order to say goodbye to cancer. It was up to the cosmos now, for my starts to align and for everything to be put right in the world of Ariane. It was a new year, the start of 2017 and people were banging on about new moons or some shit, surely I was going to be given the all clear?

So upon hearing the news from my consultant, during my results appointment, that it was not the all clear I was hoping for I felt myself begin to crumble, there was a tugging at my heart, a tightening in my throat. I wanted to cry but I didn’t. I had to hold it together. My parents and Barry and brother were all their, all with their fingers tightly crossed, waiting with bated breaths for the positive news too. They were in this with me, they had been from day dot. I couldn’t let them down, not at this stage. So I pretend I was okay, I nodded along with my consultant, I asked all the right questions and I left Dr Kinetchli’s consulting room with a brave smile beaming across my face. I went to Wagamamas and ate noodles, always a good idea when in crisis, just so you know. Everyone consoled me, told me that it was great news, that my consultant was just being over cautious, that of course Peter Johnson would say that the tiny, glowing bit still visible on my scan was just an anomaly and nothing to worry about.

But I was disappointed, bitterly disappointed. It was not how I’d imagined it would be. I hate it when that bloody happens, when expectation doesn’t match up to reality. I’d envisioned me being given the all clear, everyone group hugging outside the hospital, then off to a bar to pop a bottle of champagne to celebrate my remission. Instead I’d been thrown into the dark underworld once more, left on my own to try and make sense of my fucking cancer and these perplexing results.

We are brought up to believe that science and medicine always have the answers. They are based on fact and actuality, so they are always clear cut right? That normally science gets it right, or at least if, on the occasions it gets its wrong, it provides answers, meaning, a reason why. Let me tell you this; science is not absolute. Medicine is not always black and white. Sometimes it is grey. Not a Farrow & Ball perfect hue grey. Rather a deep, dismal grey. The kind of overcast grey that spoils an otherwise perfectly sunny afternoon. My results were grey. I was gutted. I wanted a clean scan result, no areas left glowing. Contrary to popular belief, glowing in cancer terms equals bad. A glowing area on a scan result shows where there is still an FDG uptake, abnormal cellular activity and in most cases signifies that disease is present. There’s the sticking point; in most cases. But not in all cases. In my case there was still a teeny, tiny part in the centre of my chest glowing. “It could be Hodgkin’s, it might not be” explained my consultant. So what were the options? We could do another biopsy, but it would be very invasive and the results may still proove inconclusive. We could give me some more chemo but my body had already been battered enough and so Doc wasn’t keen on giving me anymore unless it was absolutely necessary. Then there was the option of radiotherapy, but being so young my consultant wasn’t keen to do this either. Radio has all sorts of nasty side affects, including a increased risk of breast and lung cancer as well as coronary heart disease. And so he decided that he would speak with the most senior consultant on Hodgkin’s in the UK; Peter Johnson, to get a second opinion and to help determine the next best step. Medicine is about weighing up risk, working out what is the riskier of all the possibilities. He did leave me with a wonderful, simple piece of advice, something that I must hold onto and that will give me strength when my mind starts to cloud with anxiety and paranoia once more, which inevitably it well. “If you feel well, then you are well”. Sometimes we don’t need to look to science for all the answers, we just need to listen closely to our bodies and trust, trust that we are well and that we will be alright.

That day, Thursday 26th January 2017, was the first day of the rest of my life. Learning to live with having had cancer, and the possibility that it could skulk back into my life, with no prior warning or invite. A bit like a pesky ex, who keeps bombarding you with facebook messages and even though you never reply he just won’t take the hint. But for now, I am getting on with life. I am writing a book about my experience, I am planning a road trip all the way to Sicily, I am feeling good. And positive, and excited for my next chapter. Fuck cancer.

4 thoughts on “RESULTS DAY & SHADES OF GREY

  1. Bless you Ariane. Sorry the news wasn’t as good as it could have been. Dr Chris is great and he will always do what is best for you. Lets hope it turns out to be something else. I wish you all the best my love and am sending you lots of love. xxx

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  2. Bless you I read this and felt for you. I live with a rare form of blood cancer – there is no cure but treatment to keep it at bay – I live for today, I don’t worry about yesterday and tomorrow is unknown…but I do know that feeling before every consultant’s appointment…what if it is worse, developed further….but stay positive my lovely, live for today and make every day matter…enjoy your road trip and lots of luck x

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  3. Hi Ariane, I’ve been following your articles on Refinery 29, I couldn’t stop thinking over Christmas and January how things were going, and kept checking Ref29 to see if you had posted. I’m so sorry that it wasn’t the definitive news you so wanted and deserved to hear. I really hope it is an anomaly and you find out soon so you can have more peace of mind. I am in awe of your attitude, humor and ability to write and share your experience whilst it’s all going on, I applaud and admire you for being so candid and honest, I’m not unwell, and it has helped me so much to read about your experience so I just know people in a similar situation will be finding great comfort in your words. I can’t wait to read your book, thank you so much for writing this and I hope Sicily is incredible. Jenny x

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